Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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