Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I think I died a long time ago.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
