I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
