just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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