so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
