I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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