we have pet lesbian snakes
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
