Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
