something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
