Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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