He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
