genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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