i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
