Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I AM VODKA MAN
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
