I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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