i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
