I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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