OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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