The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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