Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
