Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
