At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
