How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
