i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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