I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
