We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
