girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Sorry my hands just texted you
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
