Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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