This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My liver is preforming stress tests.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
