take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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