I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
