I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
