Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
