I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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