you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
