drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
