She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
