just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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