I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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