I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
