Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
