How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
