booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
