You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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