He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
