i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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