genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
