Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
