i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
