just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
How does one acquire holy water?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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