"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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